What the Hell Are you, Yentas?
by bambii 311
Summary: The Weasley twins weren't meant to be matchmakers, right? They'll give it a try however, especially when it comes to Lee Jordan and Hermione Granger. Oh yes. HGLJ. Click me, I'm intriguing\hysterical! First fanfic. AU? Continuity be damned, I say.
1. The Start of Something Good

_**This is my absolute first fanfic ever, and I aim to please. I truly have no idea whether this is trash, or at least moderately decent. I'm saying right now, I guarantee it'll be quite fluffy, I loathe unnecessary character deaths. I'm writing what I would want to see in a FF, no more no less. Please, please please let me know. Thanks! Onward!**_

It's all Fred and George Bloody Weasley's fault. Who else could manage to mess everything up so fast that I had no idea what happened. Bloody twins. I swear, they do everything in their power to convolute. You must be thinking, "Oh, that must be it: Hermione Granger has finally gone bloody nutters." NO, I have not gone nutters, thank you very much.Let me explain. It all started... Bloody Hell, I have no idea. it's all happened so quickly!

I'm an writer at a magazine,called Eunomia. I'm assistant editor, so I mostly write whatever tickles my fancy, but if there's something that needs to be written about, and no one else wants it,it goes to wonderful, dependable Hermione. Jolly good. The rest of the time, I'm getting tramped over. No, that's not true, I do love my work, and it doesn't hurt that one of my closest friends, Cho Chang, is Editor-in-Chief. Yes, I know, talk about a surprise friendship, but once I started as a fact checker/test subject for beauty products, she surprised me by taking me out to lunch, and then a night on the town. She's truly a wonderful person, and it's because of her that I am where I am. She's also the one who's responsible from my semi-transformation from the know-it-all, to the socialish, prettyish, wealthyish person that I am today. I adore her, and I suppose she could be called my best friend. At the moment, she is currently dating Adrian Pucey, ex-Slytherin. Match made in hell? No, not as you'd think. Cho's devious side goes very well with Adrian's suaveness. Is that even a word? Whatever, they still make a damn good-looking couple.

What of everyone else? Harry, unsurprisingly enough, is married to Ginny

Weasley, and they they have been married for 6 years. They dated for quite a while after Ginny graduated. Harry is an auror who also plays Quidditch with the Wimbourne Wasps, much to Ron's chagrin. Now that Voldemort is gone, there's not as much necessity for aurors. They are on their 7th, SHITE, 7th child. I guess constantly being on a broomstick doesn't slow down... never mind. Stupid Myths. Anyways, their names are: Sirius and James (twins), Lucy, Oliver, and then Emma, Eleanor, and Eloise (The triplets). Oh Merlin, my biological clock is ticking. Oh Merlin, I'm starting to think about my biological clock. Whatever... I'll find a man... eventually. Maybe. I'm the Godmother of every single one of those monst- I mean, wonderful, beautiful children.

RON! Ron is currently attached at the mouth to none other than Neville Longbottom. I can't say that any of us were surprised, and we're all thrilled that he finally admitted it to himself. Molly wasn't to thrilled at the idea of missing out on more grandchildren, but I say that Harry and Ginny are easing her worries quite nicely.

Percy is dead to all Weasley's. Nothing more to it.

Charlie actually found himself the sweetest girl I could possibly think of for him. Her name is Madeleine Chevalier, absolutely gorgeous, and the best collection of handbags I've ever seen. They are engaged, but are in no rush to marry. I simply _must_ ask her if I can borrow her Chloè bag for going out. **Focus Hermione!**

Bill is happily married to Fleur for my goodness, 10 swift years and they are on their 3rd child, who's names are Celeste, Amelie, and Aidan. I promise you, no one can pop out babies quite like Ginny and Harry.

Remus and Tonks are now engaged, and the marriage will be coming up shortly. We hope. Last time she said that, Tonks turned herself into a Fleur, attempted to seduce Bill, and got herself chased down by half the village locals. There were 4 people in the household not to muck around with that weekend. Her fear of commitment is really quite disturbing. It isn't that she doesn't love him, it's that she's too independent for her own good, and Remus understands the need for freedom as no one else could.

Severus died fighting for our side, and his Order of Merlin, First class, went to his widow, Luna Lovegood. Yes, Loony Luna. It was an odd couple, but they were so in love, it was beautiful. It was heartbreaking to be around Luna after Severus dies. He was a good man. He killed Dumbledore to protect everyone, it was an agreement that the two of them had. I believe they signed a wizarding oath.

Oh, I almost forgot my two favorite guys in the world! Blaise Zabini, and Draco Malfoy. Ahh, Draco has not lost his sluttish tendencies, while Blaise is a little more of a homebody. They're not exclusive to each other, but my guess is that they will be soon. It's quite apparent that they love each other on many levels.They've told me many times that the only girl they would ever go straight for was me. Both of them. Together. I admit, I've gone to them. Once. Twice. Every other weekend for 6 years. What, you thought I'd be a virgin at 27? Not bloody likely, I'll tell you that much. God help me, they are excellent at the art of love. Blaise is probably the best guy friend a girl could ask for, and Draco always knows _just _how to make me feel like I'm dead sexy. I couldn't ask for better friends, not possibly. Oh, my god, even my sex life is routine.

At last, we come to those damn twins... Fred and George. Joke store owners,Uncles, husbands, and the banes of my existence. They now own 4 Weasley's  
Wizarding Wheezes, including one is Transylvania, where they apparently make a roaring trade on Blood Lollipops that are apparently better than those at  
Honeydukes. I wouldn't know, I just go there for the never ending Chocolate Bar. 8 galleons, but I tell you, worth every knut. They are married to Alicia Spinnet(Fred) and Katie Bell(George). Those poor girls. Although, I hear sex with a Weasley is _phenomenal_ ... Anyways, it's entirely, or at least mostly, their fault as to why life has been so painful recently. It all started when...

_**I know, this was more of an introductory chapter, but I swear on my dead Parakeet Sky's grave that this FF will only get better. Hermione has gotten a little bit more used to her skin, she's in no way perfect, but she has some charm. She needs a little bit of change in her life, and it's up to Fred and George to deliver, as we know they will. It'll only get better. Keep reading and review. I'll love you if you do :! Pleaaaaase?  
**_


	2. Castration!

**_Wow, two reviews, I must say, I'm a little disappointed. Oh well, as long as there are readers, I shall persevere. Here's Chapter two, where things become a bit more... perverse, I guess. 43 hits and only 2 reviews! I don't think so_**

_This chapter is for _Nynaeve80! For being the first person to put me on their alerts. Thanks to x-lazart-x too for being first reviewer!

_Yenta_- n. Female matchmaker. Origin:Jewish. Can also mean a gossip.

It all started when Cho announced the theme for the January edition of Eunomia. What genius idea had she come up with? Keeping warm.

It included some darling outfits for winter weather, various recipes for holiday sweets, tropical vacation ideas, the usual exercise drills, blah blah blah and then the usual piece that was assigned to me because no one else would do it.

Tips on finding the perfect one to spend your holidays with: Every Girl needs to be warm on the inside! Whose utterly foolish idea was it to give me this topic? I mean, I'm not totally man-repellent (I think), but my entire romantic life is one long menage a trois. Now, I am most certainly one of the luckiest girls in the world, but the fact is, Blaise, Draco and I don't have a romantic relationship outside the bedroom. I simply adore them, truly I do, but they are rather obnoxiously sweet when we make love.

Which is exactly what we do. We make love. Over and over. I can't help but think, "There's gotta be more to sex than this."

I mean I have orgasms every time we have sex, but I want that feeling, where its so trong, passionate, powerful. So wonderful that your fists clench, your toes curl, and you can't think for a full minute afterwards. I want that.

I've only sexperienced (hah!) that feeling once, and the arse later came out of the closet.

Stupid Neville.

What can I say; the man knows how to do a girl!

Although I suppose he knows how to do a guy too... Anyways, no one has been able to incite passion in me for so long, writing this bloody article will be a disaster. What a fiasco this will be. Well, it is November 17th, so I have until December 25th to do the article. Thank Merlin for double issues.

For right now, I think that a visit to the Burrow for some comfort food is in order. Perhaps a nice Firewhiskey would serve me well too.  
0  
I knew I would always receive a warm welcome at the Burrow, especially as everyone said I didn't come around enough. "Absorbed in your work, even when it's those silly makeup articles." was how Ron eloquently put it.

I think it was between my first and second piece of pie that the twins walked in. Except unlike normal, it wasn't Alicia and Katie with them. It was the most heavenly being I'd ever seen.

Towering. Black hair. Dark, chocolate skin. Red t-shirt that hugged his biceps and outlined the grooves of sculpted abs. Faded jeans fitted just enough to show the most glorious bum I have ever seen in my life. Simply beautiful. An Adonis I tell you.

And then the twins broke me my reverie.

"Could it be?"

"Forge, I don't know. Couldn't be possible.

"Gred, I do believe it is. I don't believe my eyes."

"Could it be-"

"Hermione Granger."

The last words came from the beautiful stranger, who had a huge grin on  
his face.

"I'm sorry, we know each other?" I know him? Why do I not know who he is? Oh, I'd love to fill my hands with that tight, firm arse.

"Of course we do, it's Lee Jordan. I don't believe you forgot me already! Whatever happened to the know-it-all?

Oh damn.

"Oh, I don't know, she grew up I suppose." Wow, how interesting. You stink Hermione.

"Well, I can't believe how long it has honestly been. I remember the days when you used to constantly bug us about our erring ways. You seem to have grown up in more ways than one."

Is he calling me fat? Damn, I knew I shouldn't have had that least piece of pie! And us? Who's us? Oh bollocks, the twins.

The twins in question seemed to be looking at me as if I'd suddenly sprouted gleaming blonde hair and was proclaiming myself as Gilderoy Lockhart.

SAY SOMETHING HERMIONE!

"Hah, I suppose so. What have you been up to Lee?

"Well, they created a new branch down at the ministry. I work with magical inventors to make sure they're products are safe, and don't break too many laws."

"So basically, he mucks around with shit from us, Zonko's and Honeyduke's." This eloquent statement came from George.

Hah! Well, basically. What about you Hermione? What's new with you?

"I work at a fairly large wizarding magazine, Eunomia." Eunomia is essentially the equivalent of Cosmpolitan and Vogue together, a blend of sex and sophistication.

It figures, I'm working with the sex.

"Ohh! Yeah, I know the magazine. One of my um, friends works there. Holly Faraday."

"Yes! I know her, she works in marketing right?" I never did like... rotten skinny twig.

Yes, that's the one. Well I must be off, paperwork to be done and such. I'll see you around, Hermione. Bye Fred, George.

"See you Lee."  
"Bye Lee."  
"..."

The pause came from Fred, as Lee slipped out.

"Fred, are you ok?" I asked.

"Huh? Oh yes, I'm just fine... You know Hermione, Lee's right. You have grown up... more than just mentally...

"Fred Weasley, you are a married man!"

"Oh shut it Granger, don't be ridiculous. All I'm saying is that you could have more than just Draco and Blaise every two weeks."

" He's right Hermy, there is more to life than just method."

How the hell did they that this was exactly what had been going through my mind recently??

"All right, fine, I admit there's more to life than just the same things over and over. I just don't see what this has to do with you wankers."

Hermione, darling, you do realize we don't need that title anymore?" Questioned George with an excessively mischevious grin.

"Ughhh, you two are hopeless." I groaned

"Anyways, what do you say?" Asked Fred.

"To what??"

"Well, let us set you up on a few dates, nothing to scary, very tame, I promise."

"You're shitting me."

"No, actually, there are not Hermione chunks coming out of my ar-"

"Ugh! Fine. At the very least it'll be good for that stupid article for the magazine.

"And you always do your job 100 right?"

"Fred, George?"

Yes, Hermy?

I just want to say... if anything goes wrong, it'll be Katie and Alicia who will be the wankers."

Both paled visibly, as I got up to leave.

"And don't call me Hermy."  
0  
And yes, that is how my life came to be ruined. This all happened less than a week ago, and tomorrow, tomorrow is my first ever blind date.

This article had better be worth it.  
0  
"Fred, oy, Fred!"  
"Yes, George?"  
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"  
"If you're thinking Lee, than yes."  
"You're brilliant."  
"For now I am... let's hope it doesn't ruin our chances of ever being  
fathers."  
0  
Lee slowly walked up the stairs to his flat in Muggle London.

"Why the hell would I bring Holly up around Hermione?"

He took a quick shower, pondering the day's events.

For a while at least, his thoughts weren't centered on his ex-girlfriend, bitch of the world, Holly Faraday.

Instead, he dreamt about getting completely, utterly, entirely smashed.

0

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_**And there you have it, dear reader(s). Chapter two! I hope it meets your satisfaction. I really would like to know who is reading this, so please please please leave Reviews. Hell, I'll take flames... Criticism is criticism. **_

_**I know it's short, but keep in mind, this is my first fic, and this length is about 5 pages in Word. **_

_**Next chapter, the first date, and a surpriiiise :) So READ**_


	3. Word vomit? No that's real vomit

Hello again! I know it's been a longass time, I think since I last updated, but I'm not really feeling very motivated. Please review if you're reading this, which I think you are. It makes me happppppy :) On to the first date of God knows how many. Oh, by the way, this is all made up as I sit down to write, so if its crap, that's basically the reason.

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I can't believe I'm doing this. I just can't

It's not so much the blind date part that's getting me, God knows. Draco and Blaise have tried that too many times to count.

My date is always more interested in them than me. Stupid men.

No, what's getting me is the fact that of all people, I let Fred and George pick me a date. What in the hell was I thinking? Not my wisest idea.

I was trudging through the chilly London air to go meet my date, at a small restaurant called Luts Café. I'd never been, but supposedly it was quite the hot spot, basically "Where to take your date if you want to get lucky."

I reached Luts, and it looked quite the seedy place… Fluorescent "open" sign, reeking of cigarette smoke, with a faint hint of 'My perfume may cost $100 for an ounce, but I still smell shit nasty.'

I couldn't decide if this was his first strike, after all, he was ATTEMPTING to make a good first impression.

I suppose I was making a good first impression, dressing decently. I wore a red v-neck jersey dress with a pair of black pumps. The dress was form fitting, but not enough to be sleazy. The pumps themselves were Jimmy Choos, 2.5 inches high. But combine the two, and it looked rather seductive. Why I was trying to be seductive, I have NO idea.

I entered the café, nearly choking on the rancid odor of tobacco. I never was able to stomach it. As soon as I entered, a fresh bunch of pink roses flung themselves at me and stripped themselves of petals, which then turned into a floating message.

They had an arrow pointing to the right, with letters saying "Darling, way to your true love."

This was easily bad enough to make up for his first semi-strike with room to spare.

Make that strike two. This date was not going to well, I could already tell you that,

Sighing in resignation, I followed the arrow, which led me to a private room. Hmm… that's rather expensive… Note to self: stop analyzing cost of everything.

I approached the room, with more trepidation than I had at the final battle. At least on my other blind dates, I always had Blaise and Draco with me so it wasn't too awkward. Both a blessing and a curse.

I entered the room, calmly, with only a slight tremble in my hands.

First reaction: Gorgeous. Simply, absolutely gorgeous. Breathtaking even. Could have easily been a model.

TOO BAD IT WAS A BLEEDIN' WOMAN!

Strike 3. Where's my fucking cleaver?

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I swear, tonight could not have been more awkward. She seemed to have no idea that I simply wasn't interested in her that way. For heaven's sake, what in the world does it take to get a straight male? Is that really so much to ask? I mean, 6 billion people on the planet, and I've been set up only with those who have no interest in me or far too much.

I wasn't even annoyed towards Polly, who, as I discovered, was bisexual, and not a lesbian. She was really quite the dear, but I was too busy planning the ways I could kill Fred and George without any lasting effect on Alicia and Katie.

Bugger it, there's already enough Weasley's as it is, they'll deal with it.

Finally, as 11:00 approached, the subject of leaving came up.

I said to Polly "Listen, this night was lovely-"

She interrupted me, saying, "Listen, Hermione, this was- enjoyable- but I really did this as a favor to George, for coming on to him while I was utterly drunk. I don't think this is going to work out too well."

I couldn't decide whether to be immensely relieved or offended. For God's sakes, now I can't even get women to like me!

What a waste of Choos.

"Thanks for being honest Polly, I sort of agree. Good thing this isn't awkward, hmm?"

It was VERY awkward.

"Well, I suppose I'll run into you later. Enjoy your night!"

We made our way out to the front and went our separate ways.

I made up my mind right then and there. I was going to kill those two at least 10 times over. Forget proper burial and the fucking River Styx. I hope they die a painful agonizing death. Twice.

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I entered the headquarters of WWW, on the top floor of one of the few Hogsmeade office buildings.

"YOU BASTARDS!"

"Why, hello Hermione. How was your date?" said George with a twinkle in his eye?

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN HOW WAS MY DATE? MY DATE WAS A GIRL!"

"Right." Said Fred. (Haha, a hug for you if you laugh here :)

"Honestly, you two, why the hell would you think that I prefer women? Do I really seem like it? I mean, for God's sakes WHY?"

At this point I was in near-hysterics, and most of WWW was looking at me like I was absolutely nutters.

"Relax, Hermione! We just weren't sure which way you leaned. I mean, we do know about Blaise and Draco, but whenever you come back from them you never seem to have that 'Why-yes-I-have-just-been-shagged-thank-you-for-asking' look about you."

"I DON'T THINK THAT YOUR STORE IS THE CORRECT PLACE TO TALK ABOUT MY PRIVATE LIFE YOU PRATS!"

"Fine, fine! We'll go into the back room!"

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The back room was filled with beakers and all sorts of equipment, and my curiosity was temporarily peaked. Until they started talking again.

"Look Hermione, we absolutely love you to death." Fred.

"Yes, we adore you!" George.

"And since we see you so much-"Fred again.

"-And have known you for so long." George again.

"We just want to see you happy." They chorused.

I broke down in tears.

" I don't even know what that meaaaaaaaaaaans!" I wailed.

"I know I need more, but I don't know what it is! I love those two, but I can't help but feel as though there's something missing!" I continued,

"Hermione, love. Darling. Calm down!" Said one of them, Through my tears, I couldn't tell which.

"Listen, I know that you're just doing this to get that article over. But for that to happen, you need to find that passion somewhere else."

"Fred, shut up, you sound ridiculous. Basically, Hermione, you need a good long shag. Not making sweet sweet love, but hot and heavy sex."

I groaned into my hands. "I know."

"Now, we're not going to whore you out or anything like that-"

"-well not much at least-"

"SHUT UP FRED! Like I was saying, we won't whore you out, we're just… opening up your options, because there's more for you out there."

"George?"

"Yes, Hermione?"

"I love you, you big pile of trash."

"Hey, what about me?"

"SHUT UP FRED!" exclaimed both of us in unison.

I burst into tears again as we all joined into a group hug.

"Well, am I interrupting something here?"

Oh great bloody bugger. It's Lee Jordan. Curse you to hell, butterflies in my stomach!

Does that mean that I'm going with them, because they're in me?

"No you're not interrupting anything, but it is about time that Mione here gets home. As we need to get back out there, would you be willing to take her? She's not exactly in a state to go herself."

"I'd be delighted."

I wasn't sure whether to kill George, or give him my firstborn child. If I even have a firstborn.

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We went to the lift to go down, and as luck would have it, we were the only ones in there.

Visions of the elevator stopping with a crash, and me colliding into him and swooning ran through my mind

Again as luck would have it, that didn't happen. However the cable did snap. We did plunge towards the ground.

My life flashed before my eyes, and Lee quickly pulled out his wand and stopped the cabin before we could die. The indicator said we were somewhere around the 2nd floor.

"God, Hermione! Are you okay??"

Two things happened then.

1. I vomited.

2. I fainted.

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"Fred, I'm telling you, its genius! Those two are absolutely lusting over each other. When he saw us hugging her, I could see the jealousy, and her body temperature went up about a million degrees!" (Celsius , of course :)

"George, I don't know… I just hope you're right. And if that's the case, why are we leading her on with these dates?"

"They have to find each other, or it'll never work out. That's why I sent him to take her home. And we're on the top floor, so they won't be interrupted."

"You're a genius Gred."

"Don't I know it Forge?"

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Here's chapter threeee :) Not the surprise you were thinking of? Haha threw you for a loop. FYI, this all from my mind as I think of it, so I'm sorry for any inconsistencies or grammatical errors.

Today is my birthdayyyyyy (sweet 16 baby!) so review and make me happy, and I'll love you forever!


	4. Resurrection

To my dear readers:

Well, those of you who have anxiously been waiting for my return. HAH. Anyways, I'm sorry for the wait, and I'm a little late, but Happy Holidays to you all! So my last update was my birthday, and I'd like to thank those of you who left reviews or added me to your alert list. It gave me that pang of guilt needed to start. "Shit, I should probably continue." Anyways, here's chapter four and enjoy! I call this Resurrection.

"It's not too late, you know."

"Pardon?"

"It's not too late. You're still young, in prime breeding condition."

All this was coming from a tiny woman, about 1.5 meters, 4' 11" tall. Why she was saying this, I had no clue.

"All right. So what do I do?"

I have no idea how to react. After all, what DOES one say when confronted by a pygmy on my birthing status?

"Do? Darling, they should just come to you. After all, you are Hermione Granger. You're lovely, but let's be honest, you're a bit of a cold bitch when it comes to new men.

All I could do was gape. I AM NOT A COLD BITCH. I am perfectly capable of getting men.

"Oh, I'm sure you are, lovely, but really, you could have crowds of followers if you just worked your magic correctly!"

Again with the gaping. I had said nothing out loud.

And then to top it off: as if on cue, an absolute parade of men started marching towards me. Considering I had no clue where I was, there was nothing to do but run in any direction possible.

I could hear them getting closer.

"Hermione, I love you!"

"Hermione, marry me!"

"Hermione, I have a Ph.d!"

"Hermione! Hermione! Hermione!"

"WHAT?!"

Dark eyes floated above me. Am I dead? This must be how Harry feels. All. The. Time.

"Hermione, you fainted. You're at my house."

Oh damn. I vomited on Lee Jordan's shoes, and now I'm in his bed. Lucky, lucky me. Maybe I should go back to marching men dream.

Sitting up, all I could manage to say was the almost poetic, "Shit."

Lee chuckled. "Hermione, are you all right? You thumped your head pretty badly in the elevator. I figured levitating you here would be easier than trying to find your house."

"I'm fine. Really, Lee, thank you. I should probably be heading home now."

Nice of him not to mention the unfortunate vomiting incident.

"Oh, right. I should probably take care of these clothes."

SHIT.

"OH, DAMN. Let me take care of it. I'm so sorry!"

For some reason, I thought it would be a good idea to take off his pants, so I could get them cleaned.

As is wont to happen in my life, a certain Holly Faraday walks in, right then.

Oh SHITSHITSHIT.

"Ah, sorry to interrupt. I see you have a guest. Hello Hermione."

"What are you doing here?"

"Don't worry, just dropping off the key. I see I should have left it under the doormat."

"Yes, you should have."

"All right. I can see I'm not wanted here. I'll show myself out."

Through this whole discussion, I was still attached to Lee's body. Bollocks. Great, big bloody, bollocks.

Not his.

"I should go."

"I'm sorry about her, Hermione. You know how she can be."

"Oh, no worries. Listen, send me your clothes, and I'll take care of them."

"All right. I'll be seeing you."

As I walked out of his apartment, all I could think was, "What. A. Disaster."

It was time to visit Draco and Blaise.

YES, sweet sweet lovin' in the next chap. I know this does NOT make up for the wait, but it's something? You know the drill. Read, review. Well, part one's done! And be brutal. It's better that way. As I'm sure you know


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